Shadows around my soul
by Blue whip
Summary: This is story about Alec Lightwood. I was always wondering what was he thinking before he became Jace s parabatai. Was he already in love with him?
1. Reason against

In front of me were two pieces of paper with titles reasons for and reasons against. Since Jace asked me if I want to be his parabatai, I couldn´t get the thing off my mind. I said I have to think about it, but I also knew he won´t wait for long. This was one of my hardest decisions. Yeah, I really wanted a parabatai, since I was only a small child. And Jace was like my brother. And besides, he was a good fighter and I was a good tactician, so we were making a perfect team. So I have a lot of reasons on the piece of paper that says reasons for or at least far more than on the paper reasons against. On this paper was realy only one reason. But it was way bigger than any other reason I could think of. And that was the thing which scared me the most. I couldn´t even speak of it. Because it was wrong in any possible way I could think of. While I was thinking like that, I suddenly heard a bang of the door. My sister, Isabelle, rushed into my room. I jumped from my chair and tried to hide my papers, but she pulled them out my hand. ˝Seriously, Alec?˝ she asked. ˝Why are you making that big thing out of it? You always wanted a parabatai, didn´t you?˝ I was angry and embarrassed. ˝Give it back, Izzy!˝ I probably said it to loud, because she stoped talking and she looked me directly into my eyes. ˝Alec, it´s something wrong?˝ I turned around to hide my expression. ˝I´m OK, Izzy. Just leave me alone.˝ ˝I know something´s wrong, Alec. Just talk to me. I want to help you.˝ I just keept staring into the wall. Then she somehow managed to got hold of another piece of paper. The one I didn´t want anybody to know about. So I jumped back and tried to snatch it out of her hand, but she was faster than me. She read it in silence an than waved with it in my direction. ˝Oh, Alec. I didn´t know.˝ She said sadly. Then her face lightened up a little bit. ˝I mean, I know you are gay for a long time. Your crush on Raphael was so obvious.˝ She giggled. ˝It´s isn´t funny, Iz!˝ I was now yelling at her. ˝I am sick. There´s something wrong with me. And because I don´t like girls like other boys, I will never have a parabatai. And besides, he´s my brother. And straight. I can´t ... I am ... Just go now! Leave me alone!˝ She didn´t move, only whispered my name instead. I run out the room and left her standing there with a piece of paper with embarrasing note that says I am in love with Jace.


	2. The Talk

I woke up in pain. I slowly opened up my eyes and then closed them again, because I was blinded by the bright sunlight that was shining on my face through the window. When I was able to open them again, came another shock. ˝Izzy!˝ I cried, because she was sitting on my chest. She smiled at me innocently: ˝Good morning, sleeping beauty.˝ ˝Get off me, Isabelle!˝ I said once again, because her weight on my chest didn´t help my painful body to fell better. ˝I will after we talk,˝ she answered. ˝Yesterday I wanted to talk to you, but you were avoiding me. I just want to make sure, that you won´t run away this time.˝ I sighed and sat up a little bit more comfortable. ˝I´m listening.˝ ˝Yesterday, after what happened and you ran away, I searched for you everywhere. Where did you been?˝ I thought about that for a moment. ˝I went outside. I ran around the city and I went into the Central Park. Then I came home late at night and then I was in training room. Did you wake me up only to ask me where I´ve been?˝ ˝No, I´ve just noticed that you have blood on your hands and that you look like you have been hit by a train. Actually, I wanted to talk about you and Jace.˝ I tried to complain, but she put her hand over my mouth. ˝Listen, OK? Look, I´m not a expert for relationships, but I´m expert for heart breaks. I know it hurts like hell for a long, long time, but you will found someone new. Probably better than the last one. This will sound rude, but Jace will never love you back. But somewhere in this world is someone who is waiting for you. Someone, who is going to love you with all his heart. But there nobody else to be your parabatai. It´s your decision to make, but you have to know that I will understand whatever you will do and I´m going to be here for you if you need me. I love you, Alec.˝ She stood up. ˝I´ll go now.˝ I stood up, too and put my hands around her. ˝Love you, too, Iz.˝ She smiled at me and went over to the doors. She paused at the treshold. ˝Alec?˝˝What?˝ ˝Take a shover, you smell like one of my soups. After you left them in the kitchen for three days.˝ She turned and steped through door right in time to avoid the pillow I throw in her.


	3. Then I knew

After she left, I stood there for a moment. Then I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Izzy was right at least in one thing: I really did looked like I was hit by the train. My hands were covered with bloody splotches, probably because I hurt my skin when I was repeatedly punching into boxing bag. I know hurting yourself isn´t the best thing to do when you are sad or angry, but sometimes it´s the only thing that actually helps. My hair was even more untidy as usually and glued to my face with sweat and rain. Another bloody trace was on my chin, coming from my hurt lip. My clothes were crumpled and covered with dust. My T-shirt was still a little bit wet with sweat and rain. I took my clothes off and stepped under shower. I turned the water first to very hot and then to very cold. After I cleaned all splotches of blood and dust from my skin and out of my hair, I wraped myself into fresh towel. I took one of my faded sweaters, pair of jeans and a T-shirt out of my closet. After I was dressed, I drew some iratzes on my knuckles. This didn´t help only my stinging hands, but also my painful muscles. I checked myself in the mirror and I could see that I looked almost normal again. But shower haven´t just clean my body, It also helped me to clear my throughts. I was thinking about Izzy´s words and I knew what I was going to do.


	4. Who if not me?

I went into the kitchen to grab something to eat and to search for Jace. He was already there, trying to convince Izzy that he can make scrambled eggs for breakfast. ˝You don't have to bake muffins, Isabelle. It´s a waste of time. You know that at the end we will eat breakfast at Taki´s.˝ I smiled and stepped inside the kitchen. ˝Hey!˝ They looked at me. Izzy wawed her cooking hob at me. ˝Can I talk to you, Jace?˝ Izzy shot me a worried look. I shoke my head to show her that it´s okay. Jace stepped in the hall with me. ˝You alright?˝ I took a deap breath. ˝Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking a lot about your question yesterday and I … I decided that I really want to be your parabatai.˝ He looked nervous. ˝Are you sure? Even if we are not parabatai, we are still going to be brothers and friends.˝ ˝I am absolutely sure. I mean, who else will make sure you do not kill yourself accidentaly, if not me?˝ He laughed and patted me on my back. Then he stepped into the kitchen and shout: ˝We are going to be parabatai. We will celebrate that. Get ready, we are going to Taki´s!˝ Izzy smiled and show us thumbs up, before she disappeared into her room to dress up. I caught her in the hall and she hug me. ˝I hope you are happy, Alec.˝ ˝I am happy, Izzy. I have you to help me.˝


	5. Shopping with Izzy

After we went to Taki´s and we called our parents to tell them the news, Izzy dragged me into the shopping centre. She said that I need some new clothes for a part after ceremony. I told her that we aren´t going to have any party. I mean, who we would even invite? There are only me, Jace, Izzy, Max, Hodge and our parents at the Institute. And I really couldn´t imagine my parents at the party. Not anymore that I could imagine myself. I never really liked parties. They are to loud and you have to talk to other people and dance with the girls. Anyway, then two hours - and that were one of the most teribble two hours in my life - to find a new pair of jeans and shirt for me and a new dress for Isabelle. I insisted that I don´t need fluorescent yellow T-shirt or tight green jeans. Izzy finally gave up and bought me only things in my normal colours: black, gray and brown. ˝You should care a little bit more about fashion, ˝ she sighted. ˝You would be totally stunning in that blue shirt!˝ ˝I don´t want to be stunning, Iz. I´m not you.˝ She smiled and punched me into my shoulder. ˝You don´t want to be stunning now. Just wait, you will ask me for fashion advice in the future,˝ she was saying while trying on a shiny silver dress. After we paid for clothes and Izzy bought herself a new lipstick, we finally went home. In my room I fell on the bed. Shopping with Izzy is far more tiring than fighting demons!


	6. The ceremony

The big day was finally here. The day I was going to got a parabatai. A day when there´s no turning back. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror. I looked quite normal and less nervous than I felt. I was wearing my ceremonial gear. It was new; my father gave it to me after they came back home for the ceremony. Jace got a matching pair, too. Then I went downstairs, where Jace and the others were already waiting for me. The ceremony is usually performed in the Silent City and we were going to travel there by the Brothers´s carriages. They were a little bit creepy, like everthing connected with Silent Brothers. I was in a carriage with Jace, Izzy, Max and our mother. My father was traveling with Counsil members in the other carriage. ˝Jace and Alec are going to be parabatai? Is it going to hurt him or Jace?˝ Max was looking at us with wide-eyed. He was only six years old then, and I doubted that he really knew what a parabatai is. ˝Becoming a parabatai isn´t painful,˝ Jace answered. ˝This is like promise that you are going to be someone´s best friend forever.˝ Max grinned. ˝I want to have a parabatai too,˝ he said. Izzy ruffled his hair. ˝That´s nice, Max.˝ After that we were quiet until we arived at the graveyard where entrance into the Silent City is. We stepped out of the carriage and I could see that Jace´s hands were shaking a little bit. I throught I was the only one nervous and the throught that he´s felling the same was comforting. We enter the City guided by three Silent Brothers. I lost my felling of direction while we were walking deeper into the City. Finally, we came into the big hall, where me and Jace were separeted. Me and Isabelle were shoved through the doors on the left, and Jace and my mother through the doors on the right. This is a standard procedure: both of the soon-to-be-parabatai-people must choose one to lead them to the circle in the big hall. I had choosed Isabelle and Jace had asked my mother. She was very pleased by that. Anyway, I was very nervous now. My hands were shaking and I could feel that my shirt was starting to get wet with sweat. Isabelle took my hands. ˝You are going to be okay, Alec. Everthing is going to be okay.˝ I only nodded, beacause my throat felt dry and sore. I only hoped that I was going to be able to speak the oath. Then I was shoved into the hall and I stepped to the one of the circles that were drawn on the floor over the big picture of the angel with Izzy by my side. Jace stepped in the circle on the other side. That was when I noteced that the circles were surrounded with fire. The fire shot higher and one of the Silent Brothers spoke up. I colud heard his voice in my head. ˝Now, step into the middle circle and start recite the oath.˝ I looked at the Jace and he looked back at me and than we stepped into the circle, while saying the first line of the oath. ˝Entreat me not to leave thee,˝ we said. My nerves calmed down a little bit. We went on: ˝Or return from following after thee. For whither thou goest, I will go, And where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, If aught but death part thee and me.˝ At the and of the oath we were standing in the middle of the circle, only a few inches away. ˝No you can draw a Combine rune on each other.˝ I heard Brother´s voice in my head again. Jace took out his stele and I turned around and moved edge of my gear aside, and he started drawing the rune on my shoulder blade. I felt his hands on my skin. They were warm and a little bit sweaty. He was soon done and it was my turn. I drawn rune on his back. Then the fire around us shoot uphight for one last time and then it was done. We were parabatai. I exhaled. It was done. Then I felt someone´s hands around me. ˝Congratulations, Alec.˝ Izzy was whispering in my ear. Other people also came to shake my hands, but everthing was blurred. I was felling dizzy and a little bit sick. I was grateful when we finally left the City. As soon as we came back at the Institute I went into my room. I laid down on my bed, because I was felling like I was going to pass out. What have I done? Don't get it wrong: I was happy because I had a parabatai, but from now on my chrush on Jace is illegal and I just felt like I did something wrong.


	7. Party

I was lying on my bed, when Izzy came in. ˝Alec, are you …˝ She stoped in the middle of the sentence. ˝Are you okay?˝ I sat up. ˝Yeah, I´am just a little bit tired.˝ She still looked concerned. ˝Are you sure? You are so pale. Actually, you look as if you are going to throw up.˝ ˝I rolled my eyes, but I knew that she was right. I steped over the room to my closet and to find something to wear. Izzy stoped me. ˝Um, Alec? Do you remember when we went shopping? Well, I accidentaly bought some new clothes for you. Can you wear them for party?˝ I looked at her. ˝Show me. I hope you didn´t buy that ugly fluorescent yellow T-shirt!˝ She handed me a bag. I opened it and I was really happy when I found out that she bought quite normal things. ˝You will looked gorgeous in that blue sweater. It goes really well with your eyes.˝ ˝Thanks, Izzy. Now, go away, so I can prepare myself!˝ She dissapered through the door. I walked into the bathroom and took a quick shower. I could see my parabatai rune on my back. It was the darkest black with a gently reddish skin in the surrounding area. I put on my new blue sweater and new jeans. I had to admit that I actually looked great. I went downstairs. Everybody was already here. I hoped that my parents didn´t invite a lot of people, but they had. There were at least thirty people and I knew only my family. I felt very uncomfortable. I took a deap breath and stepped into the dinning room. We almost never use it, because there was no need to. Some people came to shake my hand. We have a dinner, but it wasn´t anything special. After that Izz draged me and Jace into her room. ˝I suppose you don't want to be in the dinning room with all those people, right? We can have our own party.˝ ˝But isn´t that a little bit rude? People are there because of me and Jace˝. Jace answered. ˝I think it´s better for everybody that we move out of there. Robert and Maryse want to make good impression. If we do anything stupid, we will ruin that.˝ I shrugged and followed them. Soon I discovered what Izzy meant when she said ˝our own party˝. Somehow she managed to stole some wine and food and we sat on her bed drinking and eating. She was chatting with Jace about dates and killing demons and everthing and nothing. I was sitting there, until I couldn´t anymore. ˝I´am going to sleep. I think I´ve drunk too much of this wine. Good-night.˝ They nodded and I left. In my room I instantly fell asleep.


End file.
